Pre-marital (before marriage) Counselling

Marriage is perhaps the most important mile-stone in a person’s life, and is many a times, referred in lighter vein as the biggest gamble. Whether man or woman, getting married often looks scary- and justifiably so because of the stakes involved. The implications are for generations to come, literally & metaphorically.  Marriage is an un-traversed path for the most. It is an enigma, a mystery. The marriage has many facets about which even educated people are not aware of, till they themselves cross the bridge; by when it may sometimes be too late.
 
Men are believed to be from Mars & women from Venus. Men & women inherently have diverse physical, emotional & sexual needs. They have different ways of thinking & perceiving. They tend to react differently to the same situation. They differ in accepting, expressing & exhibiting their emotions. They may have a different way of using or conveying even such simple words as ‘sorry’ or ‘thanks’. In sex too, women may attach more value to intimacy centered sex i.e. ‘foreplay & ‘afterplay’ while a man’s orientation is more towards genitalia centered sex i.e. ‘intreplay’. Unless men & women are conscience, or are made conscience of these variations, they become prone to misperception- the biggest spoilsport in married life. Premarital counselling is of utmost importance to sensitise them to these variations.

Since a healthy relationship is the cornerstone of a successful marriage, one of the most vital role played by counselling is defining/redefining the value of relationship. (Click on Sex & Relationship and Relationship Counselling to read the mantras of a healthy relationship to develop a deep insight into the intricacies of human relationship)

Premarital counselling further assumes importance especially in the Indian context since in our country, the marriages are not the unions of two individuals alone but the two families. Often, the families come from varied backgrounds, cultures, castes, customs, traditions, socio-economical status, and religious & societal values.

Awareness about the institution of marriage, selection of  medically & sexually compatible partner, knowledge of own & partner’s sexual anatomy (erogenous zones), each others’ physiology (sexual needs), menstruation, the 1st night, consummation of marriage, conception,  contraception, Emergency Contraception, inter-spouse communication (sexual/nonsexual, coital/noncoital, verbal/nonverbal), the art & science of ‘making love’, and preservation of marriage are must-know for all would-be brides & grooms, making premarital counselling indispensable.

The first step in Pre marital counselling is to make would-be grooms & brides understand the importance of institution of marriage & prepare themselves mentally for the marriage. They should be willing to change themselves & accommodate their partners in their spaces- both mental & physical.

Once mentally prepared, next step would be the selection of the suitable partner. More than the individual merits of the marrying partners, it is the compatibility between the two that needs to be assessed. It is often a difficult task, more so because at that point of time, would-be-spouses have the tendency to hide negative points & put their best-foot forwards. Latter becomes difficult to sustain all the time once they marry & live together.

Whether a love or an arranged marriage, or an arranged-cum-love marriage, it is not impossible to predict how partners are likely to relate with each other after marriage. Few of the many challenges that may catch them by surprise after marriage if they are not pre-prepared are whether they should honestly & completely share their pasts, how much personal spaces they ought to have within their shared space, how pleasing or irritating habits they perceive of each other, how are their respective values to various facets of life, what value they attach to institution of marriage etc. The career aspirations of spouses, the finances, the family ties, family obligations, bringing up of children, their schooling & careers, place of residence etc, constitute few of a host of factors which may make or mar a happy married life if due attention to these concerns had not been paid, prior to getting married.

Inter-caste, inter-religious or marriage with a foreigner, may increase the number of sticky wickets. Conception, contraception, family size, spacing of kids too play a big role.

With issues like gender equality, liberalization & opening up of society, women adopting equal responsibility as breadwinner, nuclear families, demanding lifestyle, extremely cut throat competitive world, stresses & strains of day-to-day life etc; the will & motivation to adjust &  accommodate has taken a fair beating leading to marriage crises & consequential separation.

To create awareness about likelihood of encountering all these eventualities & preparing selves to overcome these challenges, forms the mainstay of Premarital Counselling. So Counselling is not directed at forewarning & fore-arming a person but plays a vital role in selecting a compatible partner too.

It is important to understand that compatibility is not limited to only Mental/intellectual compatibility. True that without the mental compatibility, the two partners can never co-habit in harmony. However, Medical & Sexual compatibilities have come to become equally important since they too have far reaching implications.

Medical problems not only affect the individual health and makes individual a physical, mental & financial liability but in addition, may adversely influence the health of the children born out of the wedlock subsequently. The children may be transmitted what are grouped as hereditary diseases. The risk may compound if the marriage is insanguous (between close relatives). Ruling out diseases like Thalasaemia, hemophilia, sickle-cell anemia, certain strains of Hepatitis, HIV/AIDS, etc. is important. Factors like Rh grouping too have to be kept in mind. Multifactorial diseases like Heart diseases, Obesity, Diabetes, Cancer and Arthritis too should not be lost sight of as their origin could be both- inherited as well as acquired.

It is always a good idea to rule out major problems related to sexual & reproductive health prior to tying the nuptial knot since women- with their changed role these days, have become almost as assertive as the men & can not (and rightly so) be taken for granted as was in the past. There are frequent instances where the partners- especially the women, are too eager to seek separation soon after marriage if the other partner is unable to provide sexual gratification or is infertile. Let sexual incompatibility be not the cause of marriage crises later in married life. Read Importance of sex and Chemistry of sex to know in detail about the relevance of sex & how to go about it.

In West, the would-be couples often sign a ‘Pre-nup’ before marriage. ‘Pre-nup’ is Pre-nupital Agreement between marrying partner that spells out the division of liabilities & assets if there is a divorce. This agreement has sanctity in the law of the Land & is binding on the two partners in the event, they decide to separate. ‘Pre-nups’ are drafted to safeguard the interests of both the partners in case marriage fails.

In conclusion, marriage is an important milestone- perhaps inevitable. One has to understand its place in life & be mentally geared up. One has to acquire the right perspective of marriage & arm oneself with the knowledge as to how to select a compatible partner. A person has to understand the challenges likely to be encountered after marriage, and the ways & means to overcome them to make the marriage successful. This is highly achievable with an efficient Premarital Counselling.